My Painful Illusion

When you are young when you are a child. You do not have an opinion about anything, do not know what is happening around you. All you see is just beautiful things, people smiling all the time and if they cry for a while, they would think it is just for happiness. They will not see the truth or then which the tears are to show love- word they do not know how much it can hurts- but they think that is so wonderful which pain will be broken, but actually who will be completely hurt will be you after several times trying to be fixed. They will pretend you are just being a kind of stupid for suddenly crying for something which was terrible for you, however it will be nothing for them, because they only cares about themselves. You will be the one who is wrong at all the final story. They will see only magic in our eyes as if life was a fairy tale.
Despise the growing in life is not right, I still am thinking from the bottom of my heart, they should behave like that, however, it is seems as time it is going to disappear, you lose all the innocence of childhood where words couldn't be able to make terrible scars and everybody acts like it was not happening, they act as if was something normal which is necessary for our growth, it is normal forgetting about all things which has made what we are today, but actually it is the part they erase. There is too much responsibility and we just pay attention of beeing an adult and forget about the childhood, and start seeing pain in everything, no one do anything to it does not make any difference in ourselves.
Be a child is the best part of life, the most gracious, the prettiest whose people wish they could remember just a last time. But it is not possible, so they just let it all gone.
I never ask for too much, I started to learn a lot of things, but I still have being any idea as everyone in the world that had “ experiences” when was a child, as think friendships of school could last for the rest of our lives, however, no one- any sides- could see the evil things, they are just kids who are growing up and learning to follow different ways. So with all of this, “friendship” which get over, don't make me bad after some days anymore, or simply don't miss me in the next day, and at the end, I was laughing and playing around with someone new.
I can not remember, but my mother told me every single detail from my childhood, making me know about things I wish I could forget just to let it all gone and pretend that it was not here, but unfortunately I am not able to eraser everything, and even if I could do that I feel afraid of make something wrong and spoil the rest that is left, she could just let it gone with the strong windy in a rainy night, might it never could be hurt me as so much as it does now.
I could not consider myself an adult, but I was a teenager, I arrived at a school with a friend which I was the only one who was at his side when anyone else wanted to look to him. I was just following my instincts and decided to help in a normally day, but I was not expecting that he was alone and no one else was looking for him, it was so bad to me I could not just let it gone without doing anything, so since there we started to talk like strangers to each other but people who could aid each other, I was alone in that age so It was good for we both. I still remember when I stepped into that school, people looked at my friend with a bad look and for being together I could feel the looks on me too.
At that time I could handle with that kind of intimidation, but tried to do anything to get it out of the way, because I knew my goal was the grades only they mattered and not the other's opinion, but who I was trying to trick If I even could won the things which I thought?
As for any human, time passes and well that year was when I started to be close to someone, at the beginning he was not someone who I wanted to be near, I do not know if it was because of the others around him, but I didn't like his presence anyway.
In time was passing suddenly we become friends, we were too close to each other and maybe it could frighten the others, but we have not even done anything to them, however, it was possible from far away, they hated us, we just wanted to keep a good friendship and good grades, it may have been because of this, but even that it isn't enough to have to much hate
Our friendship was so beautiful, almost all day we were in each other's house, almost everything was made for us, we were inseparable. But something I never will be able to forget is when we had time was just you and me, sometimes just you and me together, speaking and laughing alone just with the two of us, and we set down and watched a movie the whole night, even passing at time and waking up late in the following day, anyway who was carrying with that?
For some reason I started to admire your friendship, your presence and the way with little moves you leave me paralysed, I oberseved your lips and in the words which get out of them, how beautiful they were both since it was coming from you, when you got close to me, I felt my whole body harrow, you become brighter to me, little moves they did not pass by unnoticed, I noticed every single detail of yours, my mind has changed since you come, every time I thought about you, your eyes come into my mind along with your lips which was so radiant, you are something I can not change, but I also can not touch.
Homever, when you smile too much and everything seems to be right, when the only thing which have in your days is a smile it would be better you avoid them, because nothing good is coming.
At time, our conversations start to reduce and even I tried to get close again, who take me away were you, and even I tried tipping the balance of our friendship it was weak from one of the sides and I was there, alone, no one else was with me. I was exhausted to hold all the blame by my own, it is terrible, it is painful, it is sorrowful.
We were just close because of the school, our moments were becoming ash gradually, and the worst part, it is I had fallen in love to you, I had tried to hide it from me, but how much I tried to but it away more stronger it come back to me once again, you just support it to go further.
I could abide our distance, and to get everything worse, my family does not listen to me, I was completely alone, no one else could see me, I was getting small how much more tears go down more guilty I felt, and I saw my dreams was getting further, was being destroyed.
I could not say if I am thinking right, but sometimes I ask myself if I was the wrong to be blamed for being over with everything, all of us have a bad day, you did not understand or pretend that did?
Even I was in a bad situation, I tried my best, trying to run behind you to explain me, but it was as if I was stuck in another dimension
I see you two together, I was there, but it made no difference and everytime I tried to hold more I already was totally hurt, I have been alone, my hands were almost bleeding , I could not endure it anymore, just myself tried to keep the force, I was feeling weak, but I have been trying my best.
I would like to know the reason or explanation for all of this, but it seems as years do not mean anything, you could live several years with someone, but love had died years ago, it is as if you tried to hold up something whose line has no way to replace, there is no way to make it work again, we can not try to keep something which has been burst, and it is impossible to change.
You have been trying to obtain a new, you are throwing away all your old memories, it is exactly the way life's work, it is as if something is old after you use it so many times, one hour or another you will be bored to use something which is useless.
I have been with some many things inside me, it is suffocating me, I thought I could hide it for a long time I wanted, if I could mask everything as it never had happened, I would do it without thinking so much, but it is unreachable, you are like that too.
The worst thing, it is beeing in a situation who anyone can be able to change as if the world has closed to you and every time you see them talking, you can realize which everything, it's just hollow, you start to see things more clearly, you know they are saying that things to be cool, every single person who gets close to me I feel sick, I feel disgust, I can not feel well, it is completely terrible.
The worst part is when I could not see you, I wish I could change the school to avoid my feelings to be broken when I saw you with another person, it could be everything fine if you just have been my ex-friend- or maybe not- should I call you like that too? You were not my friend, was just me naming you like that, I could even imagine which it was just me putting something on you which you never will want it, and now I blame you because I did not realize before it gets at that point which I am right now. Should I had just talked you with without any else feelings? well if I knew that I would do what you wish, but I can not read your mind, I could not imagine what was you thinking, pardon me.
You seem so fine with those people around you, actually I feel you are overjoyed, you even not remember me, are you? Do you know who I am? It is everything fine- at least I try to pretend it-, someone whom much has been excluded one day becomes a shadow, but I am not going to care, I am promising to myself, I will not be destroyed by you, I can even I am almost beeing like that, Can you hear me? Do you hear my cries? Do you hear the glasses of the cup going down? No? Well, it is me right now, because yes, I could live without you, but I already can not do that, I miss so sorry, but it does not matters anymore, you had gone to someone where I can see you even in my dreams, how much days passes by more I felt you going away, please, stay just a little more, I am bagging you, I wish I could feel you arms around me, making me feel as if there is not more to afraid, but you are not here, why? You just with a simple smile could made me special, made me feel as if I was the only one for you, it is funny how much I could fall in that, was it the reason why you always was smiling? Was funny for you having me wanting you? Was funny leaving me by side? You could just get close to me and tells me everything.
For a long time I really thought I was totally wrong, the guilt was too strong which there is not sun in my days, the light did not bring me a beautiful day, no more, they have just been the reason why I was putting a mascara.
My days have been erased and I still am acting as if It never has taken a part of me. We look into each other eyes sometimes, and a cold, an empty, as if something was missing reach me too much, your expression looks happy, but why do your eyes seem too empty?
The people around you, make you happy, smiling all the time, and your voice still reach me, echo for my whole body, making me feel several sensations, but all of them it is a cold windy.
I would like to know if those person help you when you needed the most, if they would stop their things they think is important just to aim you, if they would look beyond your smile, put in your face as a mask, if they really would run behind you as the same way as I did, I do not think so, but if you are asking me that, I hope you will be fine like I am trying to be, it is too hard now, however I hope the same to me, find your way, even it is hurting too much for me, If I can have you I just wish you will find the prettiest thing in your life, and will live like there is no tomorrow, I do not want you feeling bad, but I want you so bad.
Sometimes I ask myself the reason why I did not try to tell you my feeling for you before, but I was afraid of the same thing which is happening now, if I could imagine it I would have done, might now it could be gone.
Every single day I wake up with a big discourage and when I see your face I feel in pieces, it is as if I wish could see you, but I will be broken, at the end, it is what happen, you won things without me, I thought too much on the possibility I was a weight for you which does not mean anything, might it can be the truth.
Days come by, it seems an eternity, one of us decided to break the wall between us, I am not saying I am the strongest, but that is a good reason why I did that, I decided to send you a massage and it was replied, we talked about the affair and anyone of us knew the reason why, a little weird but it's true, however the problem was not in that, actually was in I still feeling so far away from you, how it is going to be? I could touch in you like I did before, I could even get close to you like I did, I could felt your smell because you were so far away, I could hold you because you take away my arms without doing it exactly, you were just with me because you were just taking pity on me.
Now days you are closer to people, which you were distant before and I wonder if they are, all of this you say, then I would be the wrong person, right? I never liked to over the things, because of all those people I had met, you were the best one, actually I can not compare them with you.
If we back to talk as if nothing had happened, could I pretend I do not feel anything else? That I am in pain when your attention goes to someone else? When everything you do and think were for them and not for me, will you stop for a while and look for who are needing you?
I can joke with some things sometimes, but inside me I use it just to tell you the truth, you do not seem to realize it, I still think you do not care, you are busy with smiling to their jokes, because you told me you're in the best moment in your life, I hope which what you say it is only words going out of your mouth, I hope you really are, but it is still hurting somehow.
It is really sad realizing that people you used to pass the whole time together are smiling as nothing had never happened, you are to them is nothing, you were just a toy which you can play until be completely tired, I was used by them. I never expect this from anyone from you both, but I shared my information, my feeling with you, why did you do that? I still like you and I think It won't stop, and I want to act as nothing hurts even my heart, I wish I could say that I do not care with anything, but it will be a pretty lie, and now you are just a mirage to me, you just appear in my dreams even it is hard to see your face, our moments still in my mind, I can not take it away.
I never wanted everything, but even being your friend I could be, you played with me several times, I even can count anymore, just to have attention to you, you broke me in the worst way, you did, I should hate you, actually I hate you the most, but I hate the way I love you in many different ways.
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Atualizado em: Sex 26 Jan 2018
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